How to protect your relationship when you are a parent carer
Caring for a child with additional needs can leave little time or energy for your relationship. Appointments, disrupted sleep and the effort of getting support can fill the day. We spoke to Thomas Westenholz from Couples Therapy Brighton, a couples therapist and parent carer himself, who shared the following advice.
“As a parent carer, I know that advice to ‘make time for each other’ can feel unrealistic. Protecting your relationship needs to fit the life you actually have. Small moments of understanding are a useful place to start.”
Recognise how caring affects your relationship
“You may both be exhausted but show it differently. One partner might want to talk, while the other becomes quiet or focuses on practical tasks. That can leave one feeling alone and the other feeling criticised. Try asking, “What has been hardest for you today?” before assuming you know what their behaviour means.”
Talk about feelings as well as practical tasks
“Conversations can become entirely about medication, school and appointments. When possible, make room for a brief emotional check-in. Ask, “How are you coping, and what would help tonight?” Listen before offering solutions. Sometimes your partner needs you to understand their worry or exhaustion before discussing what to do.”
Share the mental load of caring
“The mental load includes remembering prescriptions, chasing referrals, completing forms and planning for emergencies. Make this work visible together. Agree who takes responsibility for each task, including the follow-up. Fairness will look different in every family, but both partners need a say and opportunities to rest. Revisit arrangements when your child’s needs change.”
Keep connection manageable
“A night out may depend on specialist care that simply is not available. Look for smaller ways to be together: a cup of tea, a kind message or a few minutes talking about something beyond caring. Physical affection can be welcome when both of you want it, without an expectation of sex. Ask what feels comforting to your partner.”
Repair after difficult moments
“When a conversation becomes heated, agree to pause and return to it at a realistic time. Coming back matters, so a pause does not become another experience of being left alone. Try, “I’m overwhelmed and I spoke sharply. I’m sorry. Can we try again?” Acknowledge the hurt and explain what you need without blaming.”
Seek support for parent carers
“Relationship strain deserves attention alongside your child’s care. Where available, practical help, respite or contact with other parent carers may create some breathing space. If you keep getting stuck in painful arguments or distance, consider couples counselling with someone who understands caring responsibilities. You can seek support before reaching a crisis. Your needs matter too.”
Thomas Westenholz is a parent carer and couples therapist at Couples Therapy Brighton. He uses Emotionally Focused Therapy and works with couples in Brighton and Hove and online across the UK. Find out more at Couples Therapy Brighton & Hove.
